Supporting Someone in an Abusive Relationship

This blog shares information on supporting someone in an abusive relationship. It could be that your loved one is in an abusive relationship, and you want to help them. It’s important to remember that the dynamic in abusive relationships is complex. There is often an unequal power structure, and lots of factors contribute to the continuity of it. 

 

What’s important for supporting someone is that you are not solely taking on that role. You can only do so much for someone that is stuck in that cycle. Although you don’t want to see them struggling, they need to ultimately take the first step in deciding what they will do. 

 

It’s hard hearing about their experiences in their relationship, and it’s valid to have concern for their safety. You may put energy into having lengthy discussions about their safety and independence. If your loved one does not act in ways you advise, you may feel burnt-out.

 

You can support them by 1) encouraging them to seek out professional support. 2) sharing domestic violence resources. 3) Holding your own personal boundaries. 

 

If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or text START to 88788. You can also visit their website for resources on getting help at thehotline.org/get-help/. They have links for local resources, legal help, deaf services, and Native American Services.

 

Additionally, if you’re located in Ventura County, the Coalition for Family Harmony is a great local resource. They can be reached at (805) 983-6014. For more information on resources in your area, contact New Leaf today. We also offer trauma therapy in Simi Valley, CA. Our therapists are experienced in working with IPV (Intimate Partner Violence). 

 

Supporting Someone in an Abusive Relationship: Encourage them to seek out professional supports

Encouraging your loved one to seek out professional mental health support, as well as other forms of support, is crucial. It is important to keep in mind that joint therapy is not appropriate; it is often counterproductive for couples or individuals in abusive or violent dynamics to attend therapy together.

 

Therefore, your loved one should seek that support for themselves only. Click here to read an article from the National Domestic Violence Hotline about why couples treatment is not appropriate in these situations. Starting individual therapy provides a focused and dedicated space to discuss difficult topics in a no-judgment zone.

 

Keep in mind that often when a non-violent partner attempts to receive help outside of the relationship in any manner, or attempt to leave the situation, is when violence can be at its peak.It is critical for your loved one to have a safety plan and resources to go to, such as shelters, that can help keep your loved one safe.

 

Leaving an abusive relationship is hard due to the cycle of abuse that occurs. PsychCentral posted an article on the 4 cycles of abuse, which can be accessed by clicking here. This ongoing cycle can be emotionally confusing and distressing. Therefore, there can be a lot of shame, guilt, and other difficult emotions attached. Your loved one may also benefit from legal assistance, including filing for restraining orders to prioritize their safety.

 

When working with an experienced therapist, they can speak with someone who genuinely understands their situation. They understand from a psychological and relational perspective of the reasons why they’re staying in a relationship – even if it is harmful. A professional is not going to tell them what to do, but help them understand their options. They can gain self-insight, rebuild their self-confidence, and achieve independent goals apart from their partner. 

 

They want to support your loved one in connecting those dots towards inner-healing. Having that compassionate and gentle space can provide enormous support. Interested in sharing our link for individual therapy in Simi Valley? Make sure to read our blog on How to Know if You’re in an Abusive Relationship.

 

Supporting Someone in an Abusive Relationship: Share domestic violence resources

There are local and nationwide resources available for those affected by domestic, dating and sexual violence. In Ventura County, there are also emergency shelters for survivors of domestic violence. As mentioned above, there is a national hotline for survivors of domestic violence. You can call, text, or chat live on their website.

 

The Hotline (linked) is free and confidential, operating 24 hours a day. On their website, there are various sections that share more information about their resources available. Your loved one can explore the “What to Expect” if they’re feeling uncertain. As linked here, they can expect to be met with care, understanding, and support.

 

Perhaps they are wanting to research how to identify abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a resource for that linked here. Oftentimes, individuals in abusive relationships don’t realize it’s abuse. It could be that they don’t want to accept it as abuse. This is due to a number of factors that leave them feeling vulnerable and alone. 

 

Your loved one may not have many options in terms of leaving the abusive relationship. They can be held back by finances, their living situation, threatened violence, and much more. Leaving an abusive relationship feels extremely complicated and conflicting. Therefore, it’s important to determine an alternative plan. 

 

In Ventura County, The Coalition for Family Harmony has a 30-day emergency safe house. They also have a rape crisis center, programs for teen dating violence, counseling, and more. You can look for local domestic violence shelters near you by going to the website DomesticShelters.org. 

 

Supporting Someone in an Abusive Relationship: Hold personal boundaries

The hardest part about supporting someone in an abusive relationship is holding personal boundaries. For many people, having firm boundaries feels “cold” or “selfish”. You don’t want to disconnect from offering support to your loved one. You wonder, what could happen to them if I’m not there?

 

However, it is important to recognize your own limitations in such circumstances. As stated, you can only do so much for someone that is stuck in the cycle of abuse. While your support is helpful when crises arise, you may feel like a broken record at times. Victims of abuse can struggle heavily with low self-worth and hope in their future. 

 

Therefore, it’s important to redirect them towards their own inner-healing. Reiterate the need for individual counseling to address these issues. Professionals are professionals for a reason. They’re trained in IPV, equipped in tools, and can hold that designated space for your loved one. 

 

You want the best for your person, especially ensuring their safety and well-being. It’s conflicting, as at times you may feel frustrated with your person. How are they not seeing how bad this is? Why is my advice not good enough? How many times do I have to repeat myself?

 

Understanding the complex dynamic of abusive relationships, and trauma attachments that can form, can help you maintain empathy. Doing your own research on survivors of domestic violence experiences can help you understand deeper. 

 

At times, you may not have the emotional capacity to hear what happened between your loved one and their partner. Making that clear, that you cannot always be there to break down a past event, can feel conflicting. However, you also need to preserve your own energy. Your personal boundaries might look like:

 

• I can’t hold space for this conversation right now, but I will be here for you when I can. I’ll let you know when I can talk about this with you. 

 

• It would be more helpful for you to talk with a mental health professional. I’m happy to help you reach out to one. 

 

• This situation sounds concerning, please call the Domestic Violence Hotline or 911 if you’re in immediate danger.

 

• I will always be here for you. But I also need you to take some steps to ensure your safety now.

 

Consider contacting us for therapy in Simi Valley, CA. We are here for you, too!

According to BreakTheCycle.org, nearly 1 in 2 women and 2 in 5 men reported experiencing intimate partner violence in their life. More than 16 million people in the US experience intimate partner abuse every year. 

 

In-person therapy in Simi Valley is ideal for those seeking a separate, safe space from their home. Check out our blog on Online Therapy or In Office Therapy to understand what format is best for you. Another great blog to read is ours on if you need Therapy or Medication to address your issues.

 

By seeking out support, you can begin your journey to feeling relief. You don’t have to go through finding the right level of support alone, either. By clicking here, you’ll read our blog on Information About Simi Valley Therapists.

 

Consider calling our therapy group at (805) 774-1506 for a free consultation on how you or a loved one can get started today!

 

Seek out a validating, safe environment with us today. We will help you get to where you want to be. Our therapists provide trauma therapy, teen therapy, individual adult therapy, LGBTQIA+ therapy, anxiety therapy, depression therapy, family therapy, and more in-office in Simi Valley, CA.