How to Sit With Anger

This blog provides effective insight on how to sit with anger. While we’ve written several blogs on sitting with discomfort, sitting with anger can be different. We all have different reactions when we’re feeling angry. The anger may come on as a result of frustration, overwhelm, grief, depression, and more. 

 

Anger is thought to be the mask of other emotions you’re experiencing. What lies behind anger can often be sadness, feelings of hopelessness or hurt, insecurity, and more. Anger can be quick to jump out and take over to express itself. When we feel more regulated, we may feel guilty or ashamed for the anger we’ve shown. 

 

You may express anger in a multitude of ways. At times, it can feel like your anger bursts as difficult feelings are boiling and rising to the surface. Perhaps you feel quick to anger, and that any little thing can trigger it. When we’re burnt out, it’s easier for us to express anger and frustration. Therefore, practicing proper self care and boundaries with others can help.

 

In therapy in Simi Valley, you can work on anger management and anger identification. Our therapists in Simi Valley are here to support you in reaching your goals! Make sure to read our blog on How to Sit with Discomfort.

 

How to Sit with Anger: Identify techniques or skills to use before you feel angry

What do you think can keep you safe or calm when you’re feeling angry? The goal is to avoid having an outburst, whether within yourself or towards others. It’s valid that this may be something you’re really not sure about. You have lived life struggling with anger and acknowledge it gets intense, but aren’t sure what helps. 

 

However, there is an abundance of potential skills or techniques to try out there that could help you. Practicing them when you’re already calm, or feeling that you’re starting to feel frustrated, helps you prepare yourself for when you are angry. The American Psychological Association (linked here) has a great article breaking down how to keep anger at bay. Here’s what they list:

 

• Relaxation

  • This can look like breathing deeply from your diaphragm; as breathing from your chest won’t relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your “gut.”
  • Slowly repeating a calm word or phrase such as “Relax”, “Be calm”, “I got this”, while breathing deeply. It’s almost like meditation in a way, and practicing mindfulness.
  • Using imagery to envision a relaxing moment. This could be a past memory that was relaxing, or a fictional one that brings you a sense of peace.

 

• Cognitive Restructuring

  • Cognitive restructuring is essentially changing the way you think – restructuring your thoughts. You may lean into anger through your thoughts, thinking things such as, “This never f*&^%$#@ works out for me,” or “It’s always something, I can’t take this s&%* anymore”. Try to be logical about the situation at hand, and know that getting yourself worked up will not subdue the anger. Avoid playing into that dialogue and switch it up. Validate yourself, but remain resilient and focused on the next steps.

 

• Problem Solving

  • Let’s say that you feel angry about something in particular, that is in your control. This could look like feeling stressed about something, such as debt stacking up. It’s become overbearing, and thinking about it just makes you feel checked out or frustrated. Therefore, work to logically identify solutions to these problems. At times, things may be entirely out of your control. This is something to work on accepting, and finding ways to move on from in a healthy way.

 

• Increase Communication Skills

  • When we’re angry, we may say or do things that we don’t truly mean, or want to have done. It’s easy for us to feel defensive at times, or intolerable to anyone else’s feelings or needs when we’re fed up. However, work on increasing communication skills. This can be through more active listening, perspective building, and clearly stating what’s going on for you. Work on holding yourself back in these situations until you feel in a clear state of mind.

 

• Change Your Environment

  • Easier said than done, especially if you’re somewhere like work, school, or do not have instant transportation. However, just getting up to create space for yourself can help. This looks like briefly walking into another room, going outside, and moving your body. Let’s say your untrained puppy pooped on the carpet again. Rather than stand there and let frustration fester, take a moment to separate yourself to take a deep breath. Then, return and solve the problem.

 

Starting counseling for anger can help you begin processing and preparing yourself to cope. By working with a licensed therapist in Simi Valley, you can feel more confident and secure in yourself. When we don’t trust ourselves, we may struggle with providing ourselves support. Make sure to read our blog on the 3 Benefits of Sitting with Discomfort!

 

How to Sit with Anger: Keep the goal of remaining calm and reasonable at the forefront of your mind

When you get angry, it feels like a switch flipping off in your mind. You feel the rush of adrenaline, the thoughts pour in, and you feel the physical sensations of anger. All you know is that you have a lot of energy building up inside of you, and you want to release it. It may feel intolerable to suddenly leave the room to take some deep breaths. 

 

By doing this, you may feel like you’re disobeying yourself or denying your experience. You may think, “You know what, no, this is really making me upset,” and want to express it fully. While we may find a sense of relief in doing so, it’s uncertain what the consequences of that are. 

 

Therefore, keep two things in mind: remaining calm and being reasonable. You know what unhealthy, or even dangerous, decisions you could make while you’re angry. This may look like driving recklessly, chugging alcohol, or letting it all out on those around you. If you know that these things won’t really help you, try to avoid them as much as possible. 

 

If anything, give yourself a waiting period before acting on these urges. Separating yourself from the stimuli or person helps give you some space to think and regulate. Focus on being logical and not giving into the anger. Refer back to the proposed skills and techniques to practice prior to making any decisions. 

 

Sitting with anger is hard! It makes sense why holding back our anger feels like we’re overwhelming ourselves even more. However, it will pass. By working with a therapist in Simi Valley, you can reach your goals for anger management. Make sure to read our blog on How to Understand Anger.

 

How to Sit with Anger: Talk with a professional to understand the root causes of your anger

Our anger roots can go waaay back. All the way back to our childhood. Now that we’re adults, we may be feeling tired of feeling so frustrated and angry. We don’t enjoy how we respond to it, perceive ourselves in a positive light, or know what we’re holding onto. The root causes of anger can be anything from your past, present, or something hindering your future. 

 

Talking about your anger may feel uncomfortable or embarrassing. As mentioned above, there may be heavy feelings of guilt, regret, or shame attached to your anger. However, it’s important to know that your therapist is not here to judge you – and won’t judge you. 

 

By understanding various things about you, your therapist can work from an outside perspective. They can begin supporting you in connecting the dots, and understanding relationships between events and feelings. Furthermore, they will guide you towards your goals with support and compassion. 

 

The root causes of your anger could be grief, such as losing someone important in your life. Maybe you’re grieving other things, including lost opportunities, poor decisions, new challenges, or difficult life transitions. 

 

If we continue to let the anger build up and fester inside of us, it can feel heavier and more exhausting to address. It’s important that we’re taking care of ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally. That includes being able to heal hurt parts of ourselves and learn to love, appreciate, and care for ourselves. 

 

If you’re interested in learning more about sitting with your anger, and working through anger in a healthy way, consider contacting us for a free consultation! We offer therapy in-person in Simi Valley, and virtual therapy throughout California. We look forward to speaking with you soon.

 

In-person therapy in Simi Valley is ideal for those seeking a separate, safe space from their home. Check out our blog on Online Therapy or In Office Therapy to understand what format is best for you. Another great blog to read is ours on if you need Therapy or Medication to address your issues.

 

By seeking out support, you can begin your journey to feeling relief. You don’t have to go through finding the right level of support alone, either. By clicking here, you’ll read our blog on Information About Simi Valley Therapists.

 

Consider calling our therapy group at (805) 774-1506 for a free consultation on how you or a loved one can get started today!

 

Seek out a validating, safe environment with us today. We will help you get to where you want to be. Our therapists provide trauma therapy, teen therapy, individual adult therapy, LGBTQIA+ therapy, anxiety therapy, depression therapy, family therapy, and more in-office in Simi Valley, CA.